Moving Too Fast

2012-02-02T19:01:00.005+08:00

so... we had THE talk. i told him i still need time.

thank you for sharing so much that day, i feel bad for not opening myself up completely to you, it's probably because i felt like i had to be in control and maintain a cool, calm attitude. i know you were very nervous too, i think i've made you feel worse by putting on the serious face and refusing to laugh at your jokes.

tkc, you have to understand, i am afraid of falling.

i'm still hurting from no.3. it's like no matter what i do, he'll still be a part of me deep down in my soul. i've put up walls after walls, fences after fences, complete with barbed wire, just so i won't get hurt again. every time someone comes too close, the bells will start ringing and the thorns will come out. i need some time to unlock all the doors and shut down the alarms.

also, tkc, i probably will never tell you this, but i am a little intimidated by your ex-gf. sorry for being such a girl, but i am very insecure when it comes to love. and if she wants you, i'd back down. because, no offense, i will convince myself that you're not worth the fight. you know what's so ironic about this? she'd probably feel more insecure than i do, given her circumstance. guess i'm just being a girl?

and another thing is, i don't know why but these few days i've been thinking about you and her a lot. i felt this sorrow so great i've cried several times. no, it's not because i'm jealous or anything. it's more like.... i'm empathizing you guys. i don't know whose sorrow i'm feeling, yours or hers, but it's really heart-wrenching. both of you were hurt quite deeply huh? i just don't want what happened between you and her to happen between us. looking at what happened to you both makes me scared you know? because i am reminded that it might happen to us too.

*sigh* tkc. for now, you're in the friendzone ok? although i'm quite sure i'm already starting to fall for you, i prefer if we keep a comfortable distance until i'm sure of you.

him: do you trust me?

me: ..... i want to.

2012-01-31T21:45:00.003+08:00

shit.

i think i'm in love.

helpless.

2012-01-28T23:07:00.003+08:00

yes i am. scared shitless. feel like crying now.

i don't know what to do, do you know how frustrated i am? i feel so stupid!

am i being ungrateful? that what i have been asking all along, is now given to me, but i don't feel like i need it anymore?

a clear case of want vs. need. i thought i needed it, but actually i don't. now i don't know what to do. it's just that... this situation is suddenly thrust upon me, it's too sudden and unexpected, i don't know what to do.

yes or no? i don't know. i really don't know. i have never been this clueless since after form 5 when i have to choose what course to go to.

tkc, we need to talk, we really need to sort this out. you're scaring me, i'm confusing you. do you know how helpless i feel?

:'(

my heart skips a beat.

2011-12-26T12:18:00.002+08:00

what am i suppose to do, when better ones keep popping up?

I'm a bundle of nerves. like seriously. am i over analysing things again? maybe it's just me? maybe i want it to mean something when it doesn't?

ARGH.

i'm a bundle of nerves. ad my heart is skipping beats. and i'm going bonkers. and i'm checking my phone every 5 seconds. and i'm falling? no way! at least not yet.

i'm scared. i truly am.

oh God, let me survive this.

the awkward moment when...

2011-12-13T12:49:00.003+08:00

the awkward moment when you use your lecturer's bank receipt as a bookmark because he left it there.

the awkward moment when you realize a parachute doesn't actually prevent you from falling.

the awkward moment when you have so much valuable info but have no way to use it. (pains of a stalker)

the awkward moment when you realized he treats other girls the same way as he treats you.

the awkward moment when no one cares except you, then you realized you shouldn't even be caring in the first place.

the awkward moment when people blame you for things they did wrong.

the awkward moment when you don't know if you really like the guy or you're just addicted to the affection.

the awkward moment when you want something you can't have and you shouldn't be wanting in the first place.

the awkward moment when you realized your parents know nothing about your life and THEY DON'T CARE because you've always been agreeable.

the awkward moment when the person you don't wanna talk to keeps talking to you.

the awkward moment when the boss of the bitch you hate tells you that she's dumb, and you have to act like it means nothing to you, when you're actually cheering inside. (Y)

the awkward moment your friend goes all lovey-dovey with her boyfriend in front of you and you just feel like strangling her.

the awkward moment when i wanna start college so badly because my holidays are boring. :/

making life difficult for myself again

2011-11-30T16:29:00.003+08:00

haiya, yan... you are falling huh?

have i ever told you about my fear of heights? now i'm falling, and i'm freaking out. it is liberating, but at the same time i know it will kill me in the end.

ugh. i need a parachute. someone to lift me up. God, help me! :(

and Spaceman... i don't know what to say. if only, if only... we met under different circumstances.

*sigh* the best things i never had.

if it's meant to be, it will be, yan....

joys of being a girl.

2011-11-05T13:22:00.005+08:00

you know what, you're the most perfect guy i've ever met in my life.

you cook. when i say "no, i'm just tired", you ask,"are you sure you're just tired, or is there something else?". you listen to songs i like. you download movies i like. you try to pay for me every single time we go out to eat. and all the other things i don't remember.

you know what's the problem? me. i keep thinking i won't be good enough for you. there's too many things that you don't know about me. and i'd like to keep it that way.

so, if you feel like i'm pushing you away... i am. for our own good. also, if it's meant to be, it will be.

..................................................................................

and you. maybe you're wondering why am i doing this to you. yes, you have changed into a better person. but it just doesn't feel the same anymore you know.

wanna know what started it all? go back to 12 April 2008, that's when the seed was sown. now it has grown into a full-blown tree. i acknowledge your efforts, but i think it'll be kinda useless when there's a tree blocking your path. obviously, you're not like that anymore, you've probably changed, you don't think the same way anymore. i have to apologize, but what is done, is done.

All the best for your future.

hmm. :/

2011-11-03T20:19:00.003+08:00

if only we met under different circumstances. i bet we would have had a great time together. you remind me of him, who used to be like a brother to me.

just stay out of my life

2011-10-13T00:34:00.003+08:00

i don't need you to go around asking about me like you really care ok? because i never once asked about you. you were the one who came out with the "let's pretend we never knew each other" thing, to which i readily agreed and had no regrets ever since.

i don't know what the hell you want, but one thing for sure, though i've forgiven you i won't forget the things you did. call me an immature bitch or whatever, but i really don't want to have anything to do with you anymore.

just go on with your own life, have fun learning make-up, and whatever. stay out of my life. i don't need you to "suddenly" become so caring. since you blocked and unfriended me on FB i assume you don't wanna hear about me anymore, so just shut up and stop asking my friends questions about me. it's not going to earn you any brownie points, and you're not gonna be crowned "Miss Caring".

oh no....

2011-10-08T22:45:00.003+08:00

another Aleen case??

haiyah, i very tired already la. i don't freaking care la. you want to hate me, go ahead. i've gone through all these before already la. i'm freaking immune. although i have to admit my most initial feeling was fear and denial, as usual. -.- it's still kinda mind-boggling why some people will think i'm a threat to their very existence on this earth.

mehhhhhhh.

God give me strength, i'll do better this time.

choices.

2011-10-02T12:31:00.003+08:00

nope, not for me, i don't have anything to choose.

it's for you.

choice 1: forget me and let me go, graciously. treat me like a normal person. find someone new, as if you don't already have one.

choice 2: move along with me. go with my flow. stop dragging me down.

choice 3: insist on including me in your everyday life, and get a fake me in return.

i don't know about you, but choice 1 seems tasty. cos i don't think you can do choice 2 and i wouldn't like to do choice 3 either.

i'm not being ungrateful here. i loved you. i know you felt the same way. but 长痛不如短痛, that is what i'll recommend you. 与其继续受伤，不如早日了断，拖拖拉拉地，对我们俩人都没什么好处。

i really think this is the right thing to do you know. but the only setback is the hurt you'll feel when realization dawns on you. i cherish every moment. but 天下无不散之宴席, we ARE going to leave each other one day, so might just as well get used to the distance now.

it's starting all over again :/

2011-10-01T22:02:00.003+08:00

OH THE DRAMA. Y U LIKE FOLLOWING ME AROUND??? D:

my group... honestly.... SUCKS. SUCKS TO THE MAX.

my eyes bengkak now from too much crying. why am i crying? cos i couldn't think straight. and crying somehow clears everything out.

if you still read this. I'M FREAKING SORRY. i don't wanna hurt you but i already have. just leave me aloneeeeee!!!!

Change. that is the core of me. i'll keep changing. i don't ask for it. i can't stop. i can't help it. i don't think you can understand, cos you are not the changing type of person. you like where you are and you tend to stay in it. i don't think you have changed a lot since i first met you. i'm not saying it's not good. but we're DIFFERENT. and every time i change it just rips us apart.

you think i'm not aware?? you think i don't know?? of course i do! and if this makes you feel better, it doesn't only affect you. TONS of other people too! they never last for long. I never last for long. it doesn't mean what we had wasn't real.

all i'm asking is.. it's not wise to put me at the TOP of your priority list. cos to be honest, none of you will be on mine either. i'm not saying that when we're together i'm not real or whatever i feel for you at that moment is not sincere, it's just that, i learnt the hard way NOT to attach myself too deeply into a relationship unless i'm sure it will never ever change. like God. cos when changes come, my heart will be literally RIPPED out.

and also, like what i said in the last post. i am doubtful of humanity. i am not me anymore. i can't fix whatever problem i have with my brain. so i'm leaving it to time. i just want all of you to know, you were all once VERY EXTREMELY important to me. but then something happened and i can't remember how it feels like to completely trust someone to the point of no return.

i didn't ditch you guys for anybody, but rather, i ditched you guys for NOBODY. because being alone is, sometimes, better than being surrounded by people who'll fade away sooner or later. and being alone, doesn't mean i'm lonely. it just means i've become independent. and being independent means having certain distance. and having distance means.... no one can stab you when you're least aware.

making life difficult for myself

2011-09-23T20:35:00.005+08:00

yes, i am a pro at that.

good news: it feels so damn comfortable now.

bad news: it's stage 4 in Wong Fu's short video Strangers, Again.

just the start of a downfall. and guess what the next stage is?

Stage 5 Tolerance – Excuses make to make distance

i really really really really really really don't want to be awkward around you. cos you're like the best one i have now, and i don't wanna lose you to some lame feelings.

i get scared. when someone comes into my life and reminds me of HIM or HER. when he or she feels like that two people, i get freaked out that our friendship or whatever relationship would end in a failure. do you know how long it took me to slightly get over the both of them??!

there's something wrong with me already, it's like I've malfunction. some very optimistic people will say I've "evolved", but no, i think the right word should be "malfunctioning". the emotional part of me. after the whole Aleen thing, i suddenly became this very cold person. which i never realised until i did the personality test in Study Skills that day. i was usually the giver. but this time i got the lowest score for that.

and i just found out that.... i sort of see my friends as temporary people in my life only. and i don't even care about helping people anymore. and i find saying no super easy now. and i don't mind being a bitch when the need arises. and friends are not even in my priority list anymore. and i avoid commitment of any form except to God. it's like i could turn back on my friends just as soon they do something wrong or whenever i feel like it.

am i doing that to avoid getting hurt again? i don't know. but it seems likely. because I'm afraid they might be another Aleen. or another HIM. I'm not just talking about the new friends i meet in college. my old friends too. I'm tired and confused. i don't know how to fix this malfunctioning part. i really want to trust. i want to believe in humanity. my college mates are awesome.

OK, maybe I'm just being overly imaginative. but just to be safe, let's just be friends first, for now.

i just need some space

2011-09-01T23:35:00.005+08:00

i just need some space.

i need to find out if i could still love you like yesterday. because sometimes, the things you say or do, are starting get on my nerves. and it shouldn't be this way. i should be able to forgive. i should be able to forget. i should able to shrug it off and say, "it's okay."

but i can't. and that is why i am thinking, if things should stay this way.

would it make you feel better, if i say it's not you, but me? maybe we're moving in different directions, and the distance is pulling us apart. i change constantly, but you prefer stability. i am impulsive, you want security. they say opposites attract, but why not you and me?

this is an awkward situation. have you felt it too? let's cut connections for awhile because

i just need some space.

on a happier note...

2011-07-21T13:20:00.003+08:00

Severus Snape is the bomb. i still cry when i think of him.

i LOVE them Harry Potter bunch. <3

still not over it yet.

2011-07-21T13:11:00.004+08:00

sometimes i wonder if it's gonna take forever.

*sigh* she really sucks, that bitch.

one day, i'm going to sit back and laugh when karma punches you in the face, Aleen.

sorry, i know i'm being really childish here, but i need TIME. wait a little longer, i'm gonna pull a Bruno Mars, you know,"get messed up today, i'll be ok tomorrow".

but tomorrow never comes, does it?

torn :(

2011-07-11T12:09:00.004+08:00

torn between two extremes, that is.

yesterday Ungrateful Bitch got yelled at by some mad cow uncle. pretty scary, cos he was like "F*** you la! Go to hell!" and other crazy things like that. it was so freaking LOUD and the whole mall was like staring. actually i still don't know what happened. but my supervisor said when she went there to ask, UB teared up.

ok, confession time.

when i heard the yelling, the first thing that came to my mind was.... "HAHA, finally". remember what i said about the "KARMA'S A BITCH, RIGHT?" thing i'd like to do to her face? yeah, for the whole day, i'm torn between "haha, you deserve that, bitch!" and "no, yan, you cannot be so bad..." for the first time in a long time, i'm so imbalanced. the scales in my heart are like see-sawing so rapidly it's a wonder i'm not insane yet. oh yeah, i also thought like "hahaha, last time you'll always have me when something bad happens, let's see who you have now?" and other evil thoughts.

*sigh sigh sigh* i still need some time to balance all this negativity out. and i'm ashamed at my inability to recover myself as fast as i wanted to. how come i can do it during G but not now? God, please help me. :(

oh, my boss went to Singapore already. he's gonna work there and will only come back once in 2 weeks or something like that. SAD.

i need help. -.-

2011-07-07T12:30:00.005+08:00

GOSH, i have to get this off my chest.

you ungrateful BITCH. i don't even know why i care so much. maybe because she made it sound like i was wrong and i'm the bitch instead? yeah, i think so. i just can't put it down because it's so freaking unfair!!! D:

sad sad sad. and the only way i'll be happy is if an orange exploded in her face while she's cutting it. but that is pretty impossible, so i'll just depend on the weirdo to annoy the hell out of her instead. see, i never knew i SO believe in the "buat baik dibalas baik, buat jahat dibalas jahat" thing until now. -.- and everyday i watch her every move, waiting for her to do something wrong so i can scream "KARMA'S A BITCH RIGHT?" gleefully into her pathetic face. and sometimes, only sometimes, i stalk her twitter. and since she blocked me from Stalker.com i can't get any info from there anymore.

Dear Ungrateful Bitch, you suck. FYI, my life never had much drama until i met you. actually, i don't regret meeting and knowing you at all, but i do regret all the time and money i've wasted on you. i would appreciate it if you find a way to pay it all back to me. makeup might make you look all beautiful on the outside, but it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. i wish you all the best and more screw ups in the future.

OH GOSH. i need help. like serious psychological help. God, please help me to forget about her. if you keep dwelling on this issue it's not going to do you any good, yan. you'll be like on the same level as her. therefore, you should grow up mentally and spiritually, expand your social circle, experiment with different things, and have a grateful heart because God has seriously blessed you a lot. also, rejoice in the fact that you're gonna leave this place for college soon, while she's probably gonna be stuck here for life. :)

and i just kinda realize the irony in Taylor Swift's "Mean" song. -.-

and i kena ffk-ed, so no Sarawak trip this month. BUT. hehheh, there will be a Ipoh-Penang trip next month before i start coll. :) can't believe i kena ffk-ed by the same person again. Sun, Sand, Sea and of course, FOOD....... HERE I COME!!! :D

i'd still give you a starfish.

CHEERIOS. the best is yet to come! :D

:/

2011-05-27T23:46:00.003+08:00

guess what, screw the 30 days thing, cos some of the topics is seriously too... personal. :/

well.... i'm late again. late for 10 years. :(

there was a connection between us since the first time we met. he was eating and he couldn't answer me cos his mouth was full of food. HAHA. :) then he called me the next day, and despite applying for so many other places, i knew it was him straight away.

there were many moments where we didn't need words to understand each. i don't know how to explain this but sometimes it doesn't even need a glance or whatsoever eye contact. we just do. before i did anything, he knew, and vice versa.

i don't know la.... i just feel so sad for him now. :( after this, what will become of us? no more singing together softly, working in the quietness, buying me chocolate milk....

maybe i'm selfish, i don't like to share, i prefer to be the one doing everything, because that makes you NEED me, now that she's here, you don't anymore. i always tell people i'm the best you could ever get, but actually i know i'm a disappointment. but you bring out the best in me.

thank you for your trust, that you trust me not to do anything stupid. thank you for your patience, you never scolded me even once. thank you for being the best i could ever get.

sometimes, it's enough to know that you're there. :)

Day 2- My crush

2011-05-12T23:42:00.000+08:00

yay it rained! :D

This is a pretty..... awkward topic. LOL. but in my whole life there's 3 major crushes that has really impacted my life. i mean there are many times in between these 3 when i'll think like, "this guy is cute" or "that guy is hot", but i don't think those qualifies as crushes, right?

Number 1- B
When i was in standard 6, i met this guy. let's call him B. he wasn't from my school but we got to meet twice a week through tuition. He was funnier and (sorry) better than the guys in my school. he's not very.... cute. he has got like the smallest eyes ever. during std 6, we were very very very good friends. we made each other laugh, we fought, we did lame stuff during tuition, we bought each other food, we stood up for each other etc etc. at first it was all very innocent, i mean we were just best friends, right? I don't even know how it started, but when we were form 1, we kinda liked each other, i think. at that time, we had different tuition hours, so we couldn't see each other anymore, but we kept in touch through letters. hahahaha, i didn't have a handphone at that time. :D we could only see each other during holidays. so... in one letter, i asked him if he likes me. and he replied yes. and i was on the top of the world. then one day, we fought. i can't even remember over what. we fought all the time, but this was a serious i-don't-want-to-see-your-face-anymore sort of fight. and we really never did.

see, it just ended like this. the irony is i've never even held his hand. i don't even know if the whole thing was real. is he my first love? i'm still keeping that letter, but... it's all very far away now. I just hope we'll be able to meet again someday, talk about the good old times, and just laugh about it. B, thanks for the memories, i still miss you. :)

Number 2- Best Friend
this is the ridiculous one. i feel kinda awkward writing about him but i don't think he reads this blog anymore, so, who cares. this happened when i was about 14-15. the immortal era. he was the flirt of the class. always is and always will be. he was cute and he says the sweetest things ever.....

AAAARGHHHH!!!

awkward!! cos he's my best guy friend now! I won't tell you what happened in between ok, but we've come clean about everything already, so he knows everything. he has a girlfriend now, who is also my good good friend. he's a very nice guy, and although we don't really talk a lot now, i'll still cherish him as a wonderful friend. i remember when i was in form 2, i would be dying for just a call from him, but now i roll my eyes when i see his name on my screen. :D hahahaha! so ridiculous la. usually when he calls me, it's to talk about his relationship problems. LOL. and he used to check my blog from time to time for emo posts, cos of number 3. hmmm. everytime i'm feeling very down because of something number 3 did, he would be there to cheer me up and offer some opinions from a guy's point of view.

the best memory of him? walking home together after Celine under the hot sun, and then he'll ask me to be careful of rapists. -.-

LOL. it's so cool now, i'm 100% sure i don't like him in that sense anymore, so i'll think of him as my brother forever. :) Dear brother, i know you're very busy with college now, but you also have to remember you have other commitments as well ok? yes, college is fun and exciting, but one day it'll leave you. the only things that will stick to you for eternity are: God and Love. :) you can still call me to talk, cos i'm always very bored in this boring place. can't wait to plan your wedding, be prepared for a lot of hot air balloons. :)

Number 3- The Heartache
you were suppose to be the start-all-end-all. you were the perfect person to me, that guy who met my every criteria. the guy that flashes across my mind when some cheesy sad love song is on the radio. the guy i thought about when a cheesy romance film made me cry. because of you i go to that place all the time for no reason. even the dog likes me. when i see you, i smile myself silly for days, but when i don't, my heart falls into a deep dark hole. everything you do or say tugs at the strings of my heart. you were suppose to be with me. but for some strange reason, it didn't work out that way. i've been waiting for 3 years, you know. just holding on to some feeling that, as i later learn, never existed. i couldn't bear to look at the prom pictures, because seeing you smiling next to her makes me die a little inside. there was something, wasn't there? or were you just being nice all the time? I fell hard for you, so hard i lost all my senses. i know i shouldn't blame you, because you never meant to, you were just being you. but sometimes i wish you could just grow some balls and tell the truth to my face.

i just want you to know...... i still love you. but nothing is gonna happen between us anymore. you have your life now, and i'll try to live mine without you. actually a few weeks ago, i've already made the decision to let go, not because you're not worth it, but i'm really tired of waiting for something that'll never happen. and to show that i really mean it, i deleted your messages. all of them, except one. i believe there will be a day when i'm strong enough to delete that last one. :) i just hope that when i see you again, i'll be able to see you as a normal person, and not that special angel i thought God sent me 3 years ago.

Number 4- ??
haven't met him yet. or maybe i have but don't know it yet? hahahaha! :D dear number 4, are you The One? if you are, i'll have high expectations for you ok? i just hope that you won't be like the 3 nutcases above, and especially not like number 3. you don't have to be rich, but i don't want you to be a beggar as well. you don't have to be very extremely handsome, just as long as i find you ok, then it's fine la. hahaha, now that i'm single and available ( i was single and UNavailable), the best is yet to come right?? :D

Day 1- My best friend

2011-05-12T00:41:00.004+08:00

saw a few people doing this, so... yeah. :)hopefully can do all 30 days.

I have this one best friend who has been with me for a very very long time. Time doesn't have to be measured by seconds or minutes or hours only, sometimes, time is measured by what you went through with a particular person. I've known her for 5 years, and she has been making me speechless since FOREVER.

The first sentence she spoke to me was already making me speechless. But it marks the beginning of our weird friendship. I trust her with my life and I know she trusts me with hers too. she's the only person i can share whatever secrets with. we did a lot of fun, sakai and totally random stupid things. but i only did them because she's there with me, cos i'm a chicken really, and she gives me courage. Yes, we've fought and hurt each before, there are many times where i wish i could go back in time and not do what i did. But i'm glad in the end, we're still together as best friends.

as i'm typing this, i can remember a lot of things that happened between us, be it heartbreaks, laughter or plain stupidity. I love you very much and i hope you'll be happy forever. better times are coming, you just have to believe. :)

:D the good old days. when my hair was always short and you are always (and still) in love with DR.

crazy land :/

2011-04-17T13:14:00.007+08:00

you do realise that i'm only here just because i have nothing to do right? poor poor mistreated blog. :(
life is going crazy soon. one word to describe everything: UNEXPECTED.

not that i don't like surprises... but i want something solid in my life as well. something that never changes. i'm a very impulsive girl, so i guess i need someone to pull me back before i go too far? i guess i should be lucky cos i already found HIM.

talking about my Lord my Saviour la, Jesus Christ. Thanks for being with me and never leaving me, i don't know how i can remain sane without you. today is a special day for us, cos You died and rose for me. :)

there is another person actually, but i'm still not sure if i should, you know, fall. i don't know him at all. :/

haha, it rhymes!

i met a lot of people lately. very RICH people. but surprisingly i don't find them attractive at all. Prince vs Pauper, i might choose Pauper. but that's if i love him la. i'm not the kind who gets married for the sake of getting married. zzz.

just a reminder that my life is still colourful. :)

Chinese New Year. :D

2011-02-02T22:19:00.006+08:00

so i started work. all was good. :)

i have to say that i have started to really fall in love with the job.... which might not be as good as it seems cos i still have to start college, remember? :/

something that happened lately caused me to doubt my judgement on people. "do not judge a book by its cover", yes yes yes, i've heard that more than a thousand times, even used it to advise people also, but i can't believe it was me this time who forgot. ouch, stings like a slap. :(

i treated you as a friend. even a sister because you know my cousin. and this is what you gave me? although the money you took wasn't mine, my heart broke just the same. because what you stole from me is my trust. :(

aiks aiks, Chinese new year, time to put all the bad things behind us. let's talk about something funny.

so, there was a pile of chinese new year cards on the counter at the shop i was working at. it had been there for... quite some time already. then, one day boss was in the shop. he on his laptop and began searching for CNY wishes online. then he opened the pack of cards and began happily writing them. then suddenly....... he turned to me and gave me a card.

i was like," WHAAAAAAT. -______-" how can he do that? some more he did everything in front of me. pfft, no heart one this boss. :/

then he say he can't give ang pau yet so he give me card. *sigh* this boss is just like you choey, always making me speechless.

but too bad he got girlfriend already. HAHA, oh well. :D

CNY this year is gonna suck. i think i can sort of see the sequence already. so, i shall hope for next year's CNY instead. :)

hmmm, getting kinda bored already, so i shall come back when i feel like it. no one reads this blog anymore, so.... goodbye for now! :D

the best is yet to come. :D

first post of the year! :D

2010-12-27T00:03:00.007+08:00

hi!

goodnight.

will be back.

soon.

some weeeiiirrrddd things have been happening lately.

am i freaked out?

you must be kidding.

i'm scared shitless.

woah, must be losing my mind already.

will be back.

SOON.

i promise.

a little piece of blue sky :)

2010-12-04T11:39:00.005+08:00

finally taking a little time out for my blog. :) haha, after abandoning it for such a long time.

so i was reading through my old posts just now, and i'm really proud of what i've become over the years. i've matured so much it's incredible.

so... i guess i really do have it me? and since i'm still so freaking young, i guess that gives me the right to do something stupid? haha, i have a dream. a dream that screams, "YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING!" but so what? i'm gonna do it anyway.

recently, some stories i heard and some things i see showed me how fortunate i am. i'm so truly grateful and amazed at the blessings God showered on me and my family. who am i to have such good things in life? God gives me more than i could ask for. :)

so, i don't really believe in the phrase "all good things will come to an end", but rather, "the best is yet to come".

yes, the best is yet to come and you bet i'll be there when it does! :D

CHEERIOS :D

it's been long...

2010-11-05T14:07:00.003+08:00

yep, it's been a long time since i've "touched" this blog. but during this period of time... i've changed a lot. for the better or the worse? i don't know, but i think it's a good change. :)

it's funny how the strangers that barged into your life unexpectedly can alter it so much, that you suddenly have a whole new perspective towards life. and after the life-changing alterations, they can still remain strangers.

some people i've seen lately has got me rethinking about the options i have in life. do i really wanna continue down the path that i have been taking all these while, or blaze a new trail? what are the odds that i will succeed? and what are the odds that i will fail? how can you lose when you've got nothing to lose right? but the problem is that my situation now does not permit me to turn back, or fail.

when i think about my future, i'm scared senseless.

but i think i will survive.

cheers :)

2010-08-20T16:26:00.001+08:00

just realised something. i wrote both step-up-step-down posts for last year and this year. last year was filled with joy. this year was full of tears. hmmm. i miss myself. :/

of irrelevant questions and bad grammar :/

2010-08-20T15:45:00.004+08:00

actually what i have to write in this post has nothing to do with the title. but if you follow the news you might know what the title means. :)

haha, so well... last night was a night where, to quote from a song, "it was gone with the wind but it's all coming back to me now." haizz... i know this is not a time to mourn for the time lost and wasted, but still, i feel sad. :(

it's like i have the benjamin button syndrome or something. i acted like an old fart all along and, poof, suddenly i just wanna have fun. A LOT OF FUN. to compensate for all the fun i missed when i acted like an old fart.

for instance, i started reading teen novels (not romance though, still can't stand them) instead of horrifying disturbing books about death. i mean, man, what a change that is! and i feel so young! i mean i have always been saying i feel old and crap, but now, i feel very 16++! :D

LOL. it's ok if you don't get me, cos sometimes i don't either. :) it's funny how a book and a long-time-no-see friend can change your life. in my case, for the better.

"You think I'm pretty
Without any make-up on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the punch line wrong"

hah, Teenage Dreams by Katy Perry, song of the moment. :)

"Even when you’d lost everything you thought there was to lose, somebody came along and gave you something for free." this is a quote from the book that has changed my life a little. Broken Soup, written by Jenny Valentine. you can find this book in the library. :)

and anyways, the old ponteng queen is back and the library has been my refuge from boring classes. it's like i live there now. i'm gonna miss it so much when i leave.

when i leave.

gah, what a horrible thought. i don't wanna leave, really. but i wanna go college too. it's been a tad too comfortable now, and i want some challenge. just realise i never meet any new people anymore.

oh, on an irrelevant note: boohoo, miss you. :(

GAH. -.-

2010-07-21T15:16:00.003+08:00

oh yeah, just remember that i watched eclipse last saturday in TC mall. thanks to my sister. it was a sucky movie but those awesome seats really made up of it. right in middle of the cinema. awesome. :)

wanna watch inception, but don't know when la.... haizz...

i love you mei-wen tan. :D

because i know i'll miss you.

2010-07-21T14:52:00.003+08:00

haizz, time flies.

cliche as it might sound, it's true.

this friday will be the day i step down, as a CF treasurer, and i can still remember last year's step up step down like it just happened yesterday. but i'm glad that the person i'm passing down to is the right person. :)

and i just know i'll miss you. all of you. all the images of time spent with you all are frozen in my mind, and you bet i'm gonna cry this friday.

time is moving waaaaaay too fast. and there's nothing we can do to stop it, so just go with the flow right? (:

the irony of life.

2010-06-23T16:06:00.003+08:00

well. this may seem like a big joke to you. but to me, it's irony. and irony is not fun, please.

i told you something like that cos i trusted you and thought you'd understand how i feel. i didn't tell it to you as a joke or something funny for you to laugh about.

and believe me, i would have laughed too. if it wasn't so FREAKING HEARTBREAKING.

AAAARGH. the irony of life, why can't it just go away. if you had treated other people the same way i would have just give up. now it's all coming back to me now, it's the same situation ALL OVER AGAIN.

and to make it worse, your best friend is dragged into the picture too.

i know i shouldn't think about this too much. haizz. teach me a way to forget you. :/

it's been a long, long time

2010-06-02T16:59:00.003+08:00

so..... i'm finally back.
haha.

google chrome is really fast.

haizz... can't believe i'm so lame on my own blog.

well, nothing much happened so far. nothing world-shattering i mean.

oh, lee dewyze won american idol. :D and i know almost everything about him. cos i stalk. almost every day. i know, i know, so free right. but you can't blame me, he's so super extremely hot. i wanna marry him.

today i wrote the name annabelle on my testpad. and just less than 5 minutes ago i found out he sang a song named "annabelle" too. heehee, this means something, doesn't it?

life is okay, finally moving slow for once. pfft. i finally went rehat today, after 3 (almost) whole weeks of hiding in the classroom. finally.

today BM paper was like the bomb. i was burnt by it. what other use does a seatbelt has other than keeping you safe???!! and when i was doing that question, all i could think of was momentum, inertia, impulsive force and Newton. :/

dear Newton, please help me get an A for my BM.

my sister is gona bug the shit out of me if i don't go now. :/

lovely :)

2010-02-17T16:07:00.005+08:00

had like the best CNY of my life. so far. :)

well, changes did come. but obviously not to my blog. haha. i have a really really good cousin. he bought me a phone. so unbelievable. i feel like the luckiest person alive.:)

every time i see my cousins i think of Singapore. hmmm... all my cousins came back for CNY :) well, most of them. and i miss them oh-so-much since they didn't turn up for last year's CNY. haizz, so happy :)

angpau was great. food was great. everything was great. had a great bimbotic CNY. fell in love with Fahrenheit. :)

went Popular yesterday with my bro to buy reference books. time to be more nerdy.

so happy with everything. hahaha :) Happy Chinese New Year everyone :)

my new phone :)

there will be changes!!!

2010-02-01T15:29:00.001+08:00

yup there will be :)

soon......

:D

SHERLOCK HOLMES!!!!

2010-01-18T19:54:00.003+08:00

i just remembered that i forgot to post about this. :D

for year 2010, the chances of watching a movie IN the cinema is equivalent to the chances of you picking up an RM10000 cheque on the sidewalk.

well, at least for me, it is.

BUT. *here comes the big BUT* I. WATCHED. *d r u m r o l l s* SHERLOCK HOLMES yesterday at GSC in TC mall!!!!!!!

my goodness it's like a dream. it was so so so so so good. robert downey jr is like, THE man. and and and jude law is like, THE second man. and rachel mcadams is like, THE woman.

oh gosh oh gosh just thinking about it makes my kness go weak.

although i have to say that i don't think sherlock holmes is like RD jr at all.

and the next movie to watch is---- ALICE IN WONDERLAND!!! why? for Johnny Depp of course!!!!

not even planet X can stop me from watching it.

Ring-a-ring of roses....

2010-01-14T20:15:00.005+08:00

that song gives me the goosebumps every time.
well, if you know what that song truly means i'm sure it would have the same effect on you too.

today was quite a fun day... at least my baju kurung was yellow :D

i just thought of something depressing, that's why i'm blogging now. :/

i just realised that i've been after someone for two whole years. and still i'm too late. maybe one year really DOES matter after all.

and i don't like the fact that it's a brother thing. not to say that i'm falling for him, but you know.... yeah. thank goodness there's a sister in between, if that sister had been a brother, i would have been a total sucker. and still i'm waiting for impossible things to happen.

like the man who came out from the wall. and the baker who writes love letters.

have you ever experienced the kind of awkwardness that makes you wanna just smile at any living thing you see or make just any noise to break the silence?

and to make things worst, i walk noiselessly. no, i'm serious. it scares me sometimes, but i guess i scare my friends more. :)

huh. i know i shouldn't be hating, i'm still trying my best..... i love you form 5.

KABOOM!

2010-01-08T20:16:00.003+08:00

i am SO extremely please with myself for not blowing up and going KABOOM yesterday. cos it's not their fault and i would really like to express my heartfelt apologies to them. i mean, who likes to be covered in bits and pieces of you?

other than that, many things have been going KABOOM lately, and one of them is my brain. i really really have to double apologise to my brain cos most of the time i'm on autopilot and my brain has to control everything for me. i don't know what that means since the brain IS already in control of everything. it should be quite scary when your brain suddenly has a mind of its own and decides to do something really bad. and you can't stop it.

:/

school was a lot harder than i thought, but not that hard either. my homework list is going KABOOM too and i'm happy to say i just finished my kerja amal :) congratulations to me!!!

same thing, my to-do list is going KABOOM too but i'm sad to say i haven't done anything yet since i'm so busy completing my homework list.

huh, that was a mouthful.

my class is in a nice place this year, not isolated anymore! yay! yipee for JATI!! :D

and i just borrowed 2 books from the library, both are compilations of short stories. one is Roald Dahl, the other is Jeffrey Archer. half-way through both of them.... some stories are just so morbid. gives me the goosebumps when I read them.

i don't know what to say. i love studying? haha, crazy me. :D

panicking :o

2009-12-29T21:18:00.003+08:00

it's like two more days till next year. and i'm panicking. for what? i'm not sure. maybe cos next year is gonna be so freakishly different?

FORM 5.

those two words loomed like threatening dark clouds over my head for the past few weeks. it's just crazy. still waiting for that glimmer of sunlight to find it's way through. :/ it's just so scary cos next year everyone will be expecting you to get straight A's for THE exam AGAIN. what the hell are they all thinking about? A's very easy to get izzit? i'm so tired of all this la, but the kiasu side of me just won't let me give up. :(

for Christmas i went to my church was the awesome-possum drama--- The Messiah. it was so magnificently fantastic i went twice :) first time i sat way upstairs, it was good but not as good as sitting downstairs, front-row, VIP seat :D haha, all thanks to my sis i got the nicest seat ever at the second session, but only for half the show. :/ haizz.... kudos to those who took part, it was extraordinarily good.

so, a year has past and nothing has changed (???). well at least my younger sis hasn't, she's still as annoying as ever. >:( gotta go now, she's bugging me again.

when will i ever learn?

2009-12-23T19:16:00.004+08:00

we were having project cookie in pauline house for the last few days so every morning i had to walk there myself. the road to pauline's house is the same road i use to walk to school/tuition/sunshine's house/suzie's house/steffi's house/sin yoon seng/dk court and a whole bunch of other random places.

so simply walking down that road brought back truckloads of crazy memories, and suddenly the need to get back to normal was overwhelming as well as the unmistakable feeling of failure. the two people i failed the most is.... myself and time. if time was the proverbial old man, he'd be shaking his head at me right now.

and i really have say sorry to myself. after all, i couldn't blame anyone else for what happened now, it was my fault all along. you thought it's a story about you and him, but turns out it's a story about him and her instead. you're just passerby A. promised not to cry, just wondering where the hell did it all disappeared to.

"you might be a big fish in a little pond, doesn't mean you've won"

from Coldplay's Lost. "just because i'm losing, doesn't mean i'm lost, doesn't mean i'll stop." right.

when things come to an end...

2009-12-15T14:32:00.005+08:00

sometimes it just doesn't stay like that.

i feel very bad. i'm so sorry, that's all i can say, i didn't know you would know. so i promise i'm not gonna talk about ppl in this blog anymore. but when i told my friend that she was like," but you live on earth, YC, if you don't write about people, they're gonna think that you come from Mars."

better that than being thought of as a potty-mouth.

school is going to reopen soon. i have not done anything that would be helpful to me... yet. i'm trying, really i am, you just have to believe me, i'm trying SO hard...... in front of the computer. next year is going to be such a boring year. :(

blah, i need to change, i feel so MUDDY. i sort of miss school... but not as much as the past years. form 4 has been such a life-changing year, i have that "grew old overnight" feel. and i'm sick again. and being sick really makes you wanna shout WTH at someone random. haizz...

if there were no such thing as schools, do you think life will be much better? not really. maybe a little bit better, but not much. aaaargh! i'm going mad, i think.

Daniel Devan came back from London and gave me a box of Earl Grey tea leaves so i cam read my future from it. HAHA. very funny.

to HIM, congratulations, you got what you wanted, but i'm sorry i couldn't say i'm happy for you. i wished i could. sorry.

you know that feeling when you have something interesting to blog about, but somehow when you sit in front of the com you totally forget all about it? yeap, that's the feeling i'm having now. some things just never change, i'm still looking forward to something that might not happen at all...

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

for some reason...

2009-12-08T16:34:00.004+08:00

i want another person's life.
can't believe this is happening to me.

oh well, my holiday was quite good. decorated the children church alone today cos my pig of a brother is "taking a day off". taking a day off from what, man? you don't have anything to do!

i suddenly have this crave for peanut butter. and good books. oh, which reminds me, i just finish Stephen King's The Dead Zone!!!!! it was so super awesome... i didn't know what to expect at first, cos you know, his books are usually the scare-the-shit-out-of-you type, but this book... it turned out to be just like The Green Mile. tres superb. i love it. :) and the book kinda reminds me of Dean Koontz's Odd Thomas series. ohmygoodness, which reminds me again, DK's third book in the Frankenstein series is finally out!! i almost screamed out loud in Borders that day when i saw the book. i M.U.S.T have it. period.

other books i would love to have on my bookshelf would be: Thomas Harris's Silence of the Lambs, Dean Koontz's Life Expectancy, and some Stuart Macbride books. read a review on one of his books, seems to be interesting..

i'd live on words if i could.

no money to buy christmas presents :(

don't bug me -.-

2009-12-08T16:08:00.003+08:00

i just had like the weirdest dream ever.
it consist of: car, travelling, nice city view, never-ending food, money, donald trump, truth, and breaking records.

hmmm.... VERY scary. i mean that's what i usually think about, you know. oh, donald trump and money came together. he gave me 300 USD for reading the newspaper to him.

something very embarrassing happened too. but nobody noticed :D well, i sincerely hope so.

i took the shirt back, and it smelt like..... HIM. i was like so what-the-helled. just the thought of my shirt lying in that place for like, what, 5 days is embarrassing beyond imagination. grrr... hopefully no one noticed.

even hearing his favourite song on radio feels weird now. :/

i'm falling in love with eason chan! he has like the nicest voice ever :D

i desperately need money, donations are extremely welcomed.

wooo~

2009-12-01T16:07:00.006+08:00

i'm back from camp. but that was like three days ago.

this is one of those camps where you just can't put how you feel into words. so, i'm just gonna tell you: it was awesome :D no actually it was actually better than awesome... lol, it goes on and on and on and on...

i learnt so many many many stuff in the camp!! :D haha, it's my first and last anyway... :( unless some miracle happen and there's no spm next year :)

don't feel like blogging larh... but i found a lot of new things to love :D

Mix FM :)
Melaka ppl :)
Tropicana City Mall :)
Five for Fighting :)
The Killers :)
Keane :)
NSCFL2009 :)
Stephen King's The Dead Zone :)
Dean Koontz's third Frankenstein book :)
Thomas Harris' Silence of the Lambs :)

and for some weird-ass reason i have this urge to do a thorough research about cars and wine.... and football.
my goodness and i hate shoping.

:/

turning guy-ish. LOL. :( no worries, i'm still very much a girl, just going through a gender-confused phase in life :)

Go, RAHAB!!!!! we got second place :)

locking myself in :)

2009-11-18T12:09:00.004+08:00

i fell in love with the man of my dreams. literally.

i know, so bizarre right? haizz...

mummy was surprisingly cool, calm and collected after collecting my result slip yesterday. therefore, i'm not grounded :p hahaha.

to H, i'm over that person already :) congratulate me ok? if you wanna be nice you can treat me to lunch at euro deli :D kidding la.

time to plan my time really wisely. hmmm... can't just daydream a whole month away.

today's my bro's birthday :D haha, that annoying guy has finally grown up!! you know what, i actually really want to buy a messenger bag for you but TOO BAD i've got not enough cash!! :p haha, just kidding la. we'll see about that :)

i miss TC mall!! i think it's so much nicer than one utama, maybe because it's new. there's a lot of nice shops and there's so much to explore! anybody would be so kind as to teman me go explore there? :D

from what i heard, there's gonna be some frozen yoghurt shop opening opposite my house soon. haizz... the area i'm living in is getting more and more busy, don't know whether it's a good thing or not. then there's the condo next to my house. shit la, all privacy will be lost when they finally finish constructing it. and it's gonna block my view :(

well, the world just has to keep changing right? am having delusions of grandeur lately. hmmm, crazy daydreams. :D

i think i should get rid of that stupid music player at the bottom of my blog and change a new one. i'm considering the kind in elle's blog... and i wanna change my blog template also. yup, it's a time for changes. :( never liked changes. unless it involves me getting a lot of money. LOL.

i don't know, but i feel like no one reads this blog anymore, which is actually a very extremely good thing indeed :D haha, so i can write more crap than i used to write.

i watched my first ever episode of Gossip Girl yesterday and i sort of like it. lol. i thought i wouldn't. -.-

God bless to those who are taking SPM :D

quotes from reader's digest

2009-11-06T16:37:00.004+08:00

read these from reader's digest. these are for you, all of them, all for you.

"Love is a piano dropped from a fourth storey window, and you were at the wrong place at the wrong time." -- "Two Little Girls," Ani Difranco

"I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't." -- "I Can't Make You Love Me," Bonnie Raitt

"I love you. But I love myself more." -- Sex and the City, Kim Cattrall

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." -- Moulin Rouge, Ewan McGregor

"We should all be so lucky as to have someone who will never let us go. The ultimate legacy is to leave behind someone who will love you forever." -- "Ally McBeal," Calista Flockhart

"Hearts will never be practical, until they can be made unbreakable." -- "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead," The Wizard Of Oz

"That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else." -- Sixteen Candles, Paul Dooley

"Of course I like you. It's because I like you I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated emotion." -- Finding Nemo, Albert Brooks

"A heart can be broken, but it keeps beating just the same." -- Fried Green Tomatoes, Jessica Tandy

"There's a reason why people don't stay where they are. Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough." -- "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough," Patty Smyth and Don Henley

"Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell." Emily Dickinson

i know there is someone i can turn to with all this negative emotions. but i don't dare to dial the number. :(

it was a day from hell

2009-11-06T16:03:00.002+08:00

believe me, it was. and extremely so.

tell me what do you do when the best day of the week becomes the shittiest day ever in history?

firstly, i found out something i never wanted to know. great. now, it's just the dog and me. it's like telling me that this particular thing had NEVER happened before. it's like you bought an ice-cream and someone came up to you and told you that you were hallucinating, that you were licking the air all the time you thought you were eating the ice-cream.

secondly, it's about this person, let's name this person, A.

so i was standing next to A, listening to A talk about my another friend, B. it wasn't a nice talk, there were a lot of insults. and suddenly, i don't know why, something inside me just snapped. i felt slapping A there and then.

you know what, A? it's out of my mercy that you poor little head didn't just snapped, i promised if i could, i'd skewer you and roast you and feed you to pigs. this is seriously too much you know? B is soooo freaking nice to you. and this is your repayment. i don't know why are you complaining about the teacher too when she thinks so highly of you.I AM SO FREAKING DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL PIG.

thirdly, i never truly understand the word "menjijikan" and "meloyakan" until today. i'm so so so very sick of this. i don't know if you realised, but i felt so stupid. everyone was like asking me why am i carrying my bag around school today. wanna know why? if you cared you would know.

i was so sad and angry i ate Popeye's today. the chicken tenders were seriously so delicious and fatless. and the mash potatoes and coleslaw and biscuit and ice lemon tea. :D

i also gave a small talk today on books to the form 3s today. LOL. turned out pretty well. haha. i love my books.

to you... :)

2009-11-04T21:23:00.004+08:00

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed,
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head,
Spin like a record crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold,
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

"Smile" by Uncle Kracker

really need to talk to him aka Mr. Wise Guy aka His Best Friend :(
my expectations for you are too high :(

je suis libre!!

2009-11-04T20:27:00.004+08:00

woohoo!! :D

the stupid "come on barbie, let's go party" song has been ringing in my head for the whole day, and i don't even have a party to go to :/

no wait... no, i don't mean what you think, whatever you're thinking. sheez. it's just an expression, ok?

first, we have good. then better. then best. and now, we have better than best. then best-est.

i sort of promised one of my best-est friend that i'll write about this.
more like threatened her. :)

oh well, here goes:

ever wonder why the girls' toilets are so smelly? i have spent 4 years of my school life pondering that question too. and thanks to my wonderful friend, i finally found out why today.

that's because there are some ppl in this world, who wouldn't flush the toilet because they think that the handle is very "dirty and full of germs". but after a lot of threatening and coaxing and whatnot, this one person finally agreed to flush the toilet despite her fear of germs and dirt. and when i thought that the world is gonna be so much better with ppl like her, she chickened out and used the hose to squirt a few pathetic drops of water onto the toilet....
isn't the tap much more dirty than the handle?? =.=

haha, i'll still love you even if you just committed the biggest crime of your life :D

mushu and yanshu -.-

2009-11-02T14:41:00.007+08:00

hit myself on the head for just realising my playlist at the bottom of the page is not working after so many months.

2 more days.

malingshu. fanshu. mushu. laoshu. shongshu. yanshu.

haha, don't understand leh... who call you don't learn mandarin :D

it's been such a wonderful day. i don't know why, but yeah, it's wonderful. :)

i'm missing a friend very very very very badly. cos it's been such a long time since i talked to him. he's not a super close friend but he's someone worth being a friend with. wished i could call him my brother. haizz... can't see you next year already.. :(

something i would really really wanna tell you, if you reading this blog, is: "enlighten me, brother." :D

and i really really want a sun and sand and sea vacation.

love.

hmmm... :)

2009-10-30T17:17:00.003+08:00

i'm so sleepy... :)
not the frustrated kind of sleepy but the contented type of sleepy.

it's ok if you don't understand me, sometimes i don't too.

but instead of hitting the pillows i chose to blog, though what's the significance of it i do not know.
now i'm entertaining myself with delusions that i'll get a call/sms from him asking me how's my chinese, which i'm most sure that he probably doesn't really care at all.

pooh. gah. whatever.

need some advice from the guru. guru, call me if you read this.

sometimes i wonder, what in the world happened that made you so unforgettable.
*Unforgettable song playing in the background*

i need some help here. even the dog likes me. oh sure, probably doesn't mean much, again. probably just some twisted sense of humour. i mean like, it's just a dog right?

i've been deprived of sleep. cos am having dreams every single freaking night. plus sleeping at 1 a.m doesn't help either.
did some analysis just now and found out the reason behind me having dreams every night is...... i'm afraid i'll never wake up from my sleep.

freaky, ain't it? as if dreaming might keep me alert. what is wrong with you, o sub-conscious mind?
haizz... i've become so electronegative lately, attracting negative electrons aka bad mojo.

not really very bad mojo.

ok, i'm going crazy. i'm gonna stop blogging now before i write anything i'll regret without realising.

i miss you :(

2009-10-27T14:32:00.005+08:00

promised not to think but can't stop thinking.

it's not that easy you know.

it's been such a long time...

:(

it's funny how...

2009-10-27T14:04:00.004+08:00

you can learn more things during exam days than normal school days.

today is my 5th day of exam, so far so good, plus i've just realised a whole lot of other stuff i've never realised before.

1. you reap what you sow.
(corny as it may sound, it's true. VERY true.)

2. i really really really love sasbadi and pelangi. best friends for life.

3. the maximum time i can stay up to without feeling dead is 1.30 a.m.

4. coffee doesn't work on me.

5. it sucks to suffer from other people's shit.

6. the Internet is not as irresistible as i thought it to be.

haha.

CHEERS :D

hmmm... ?

2009-10-11T14:40:00.003+08:00

The Weird Guy has lent yet another DVD to my brother, making it hard for me to not wonder about his real motives and intentions. what in the world is he really up to?

hopefully not something bad.

the difference between yesterday and tomorrow

2009-10-11T13:35:00.005+08:00

there is a very significant difference between terribly perfect and perfectly terrible.

i just finished reading Hannibal... suzanne gave it to me for my birthday :D

"where does the difference between the past and the future come from? the laws of science do not distinguish between the past and the future...... the increase of disorder or entropy is what distinguishes the past from the future, giving a direction to time."

the increase of disorder gives direction to time. that's something surprising, yet true.

"occasionally, on purpose, Dr Lecter drops a teacup to shatter on the floor. he is satisfied when it does not gather itself together."

right. it's certainly a relieve to know that time won't turn back suddenly, forcing us to go back to the times we dread the most.

though regretful, life goes on, and we should all move on.

-.- don't need no lauren page.

2009-10-05T13:16:00.004+08:00

cut my fingernail today while chopping vege. no blood though :) but it hurts a little.

i'm starting to get a little piss with this person in my class. all because she reminds me too well of lauren page in the ashleys: lipgloss jungle, who is the stupid girl in the stupid book i bought my sis for her extremely late birthday present.

i don't know why i'd ever touch that book. maybe i was too bored till i got delusional or maybe i was just... curious.

i hate that she's a different person in school and not in school. it gives me goosebumps.

please woman, i know you'll never know that i'm talking about you cos you're so immune to sarcasm and all signs obvious and unobvious. but PLEASE, just try to be yourself for a day. and please ask me questions that are relevant and modify the volume of your voice if you can.

my sixteen

2009-10-02T21:41:00.004+08:00

this post was originally named "my screwed up sixteen".

but now, i don't really think it's screwed larh. today was a day of blessings actually.. i was quite down because i think i'm making myself go mad and i miss my life and stuff like that. lol. so lame. -.-

my daddy in heaven gave me the most beautiful day ever with crazy sunny sun and pretty clouds and blue sky :)
hotlink gave me free airtime for the whole day :)
a lot of ppl sent me sms :)
a good guy friend gave me a call :)
sun gave me a card. fatty!! :)
daniel gave me a t-shirt. i made up a story about the shirt... :)
david gave me a crocodile keychain. cos he say i like to bite ppl's hand. -.- lol :)
aunty oweeniya gave me a very pretty bag to put my.... in :)
my wonderfully superbly hot BEAR gang and other friends did something so wonderful for me i am at lost for words. it was so touching then i just cried. seriously man, i love you guys like i have never loved anyone before. friends till the day i die ok? i love you all forever and ever and ever. i'm so touched!!! :D
then elle temaned me to dk court to play swings, slept on the bench there while staring at the sky and talking about emo and crazy stuff. it was so pretty... like straight out from a dream... i love you girl :)
zhu shaun gave me half a can of ice lemon tea. i love ice lemon tea!! :D
some people sang the song for me in the cantin :)
keledang sang the song for me :)
belian sang the song for me :)
and my own very dear jati sang for me too :)
and i had tea in sunny's house!! :D
then i had dinner at a korean restaurant in ss2 with my family. the waiters and waitresses are so nice... :)
and so many people wished me on facebook!!!! :')

see, this is crazy wonderful right? i feel so blessed. i'm so crazy freaking touched!! i love everyone! thank you so so so so so so so much. :D

of guys, love and heartbreaks

2009-09-29T14:06:00.003+08:00

*do not judge a blog post by its title*

it's sooo not easy to be a guy.

that's not a question, or a thought or even a statement.
it's a FACT.

thanks to a 12-year old guy i know very well who lives in my house (i don't wanna reveal his identity), i realise that guys actually DO fall in love. they do a lot more than just sitting there and waiting for girls to fall in love with them.
and guys actually DO get heartbroken too...

i know it took me so long to realise this. but you can't blame me you know. it's not like i live with heartbroken guys all the time.

girls, if you think life is so unfair to you, it's even more unfair to the guys. well, at least we can cry and wail and eat a whole pot of ice-cream about it, the guys can only endure it without a word. i mean MOST guys, not ALL. when we are heartbroken, we can tell all our friends about it and then eat a whole load of chipsters. but most guys would only do the latter.

secara konklusinya, being a guy is no easy feat.

too bad :p

ich bin the real Yan Chee

2009-09-28T15:11:00.005+08:00

something quite hilarious happened during the hols.

it all started when the perasan me went and google my name.

then the first one was a blog.

the owner of the blog, coincidentally, was also named yan chee.

and he (yes, it's a guy) wrote this whole post about other yanchees in the world.

and then i found my name.

but the picture wasn't me.

it was JOYCE, for goodness sake.

so, dear yan chee, if you happen to come across my blog

this is not me

this is me

fading away

2009-09-22T13:19:00.004+08:00

right now, my whole family is watching spiderwick chronicles in the living room. so i took the opportunity to blog without being watched.

actually, there are no such thing as holidays. they are delusions meant to trick you into working harder. wake up and smell the coffee, man.

went to my friend's house in mont kiara again yesterday. haha, he smelled like a honeydew. which was an improvement, it used to be strawberry. this creepy guy has got the most impressive collection of cds ever ever ever. i find it so amazing. ok, both amazing and scary. listened to U2's achtung baby album the whole morning. heehee :)

ttdi is so quiet... so wonderful :) i really really love this place.

this may seem insane to you, but i cried listening to taylor swift's you belong with me on radio yesterday night. for no apparent reason. of course, the reason there was no apparent reason is because the reason was not apparent at all.

it's ok if you don't understand, you don't have to. and when green day's 21 guns came up after taylor swift, i cried even harder for the same unapparent reason. and then came britney spears' womaniser.... i offed the radio -__-"

haizz... i bought a dean koontz at the atria warehouse book sale... :) brother odd. i'm so happy happy, there were so many books at the sale!!! SOOOOO many!!!! enough to make my tummy squirmy. i could have just died of happiness right there..

one of the nicest thing someone said to me was, "if you wrote a book, i'll read it."
thanks. (:

maybe one day, when i'm confined to a cell in an asylum, i'll consider writing a book.

i need a holiday

2009-09-09T14:35:00.004+08:00

maybe i overreacted last night. but that doesn't stop me from being paranoid and jumpy when i walked home today. saw Daniel and Dom at mosin, and they treated me to a drink. ice lemon tea. wonderful. i love you both till the sky come crashing down larh. thanks a million billion zillion. :)

i never really prayed about this thing before but yesterday, i actually seriously prayed to God about it. that's just about how freaked out i am.

i really really really need a holiday. a real one. just one week. and for the whole week i shall just lock myself up at home. don't talk to anyone. don't on my phone. don't use the Internet. don't go anywhere. absorb sunlight and become an autotroph. i really really need that. i'm so tired. mentally, physically and emotionally. :(

i actually consider shifting to another place. or hire a hitman. my house is so dangerous. it's so... vulnerable. funny i never felt like that before. i really love my house, it's the best place in this whole world. but so exposed to danger....

i think i'm gonna drive myself crazy.

dear W...

2009-09-09T14:26:00.004+08:00

"Go to hell."

thanks for the invitation, but you can just live there yourself.

if those are your last words to me, signifying our so-called friendship has come to an end, then these are from me:

Go eat your own shit.

ps: hope you choke on your indomie. or roti telur.

i hate you.

2009-09-08T21:45:00.004+08:00

i know, the blog title sounds so immature.

not my fault.

cos i'm sick to terror now my brains couldn't function.

i'm starting to suspect that he's a psychopathic sociopath, and playing hide-and-seek with a psychopathic sociopath is NOT fun at all.

if this was a book i would have drenched it with gasoline and burnt it. if this was JUST a nightmare i would just wake up and vow never to fall asleep ever.

but this is real life. reality. living terror.

guess what W, you sick and twisted psychopathic syphilitic dirtbag, i regret ever knowing you and thinking that you were a good person.

you are a piece of living walking shit. she doesn't deserve you at all. both of them. she look so innocent and sweet. what have she done to get someone like you? and her too. she's still so young, if you ever dare to abuse the both of them, i swear i'll send your pathetic ass to where it belongs. just you wait and see.

i hate you i hate you i hate you. you are the worst piece of crap i've ever saw. go eat shit. go bite your own hand. go stand under the rain and pretend you're an umbrella. go climb the petronas twin towers. go do whatever you want. JUST. STOP. BOTHERING. ME.

i'm neither gonna pick up any calls nor reply any sms. go shit in your own face, from this moment onwards, I DON'T FREAKING KNOW YOU. and i freaking mean it.

sighs

2009-09-05T20:07:00.003+08:00

:)

i like clouds.
i am not a sadist in any sense.
i don't like cutting off anybody's body parts.
i don't bite people.
i just like reading books that actually require us to use our brains.
it's not my fault they are all the same genre.
and
i'm definitely not marrying him.

fell in love with U2. go listen to vertigo. wonderfully marvelous.

went to my mom's friend's house. very very pretty, in mont kiara. i guess it's been quite some time since i last went there. cos the unfinished condo opposite their house is actually finished already. LOL.

after like half an hour, his son strolled into the living room, looking like he just woke up and bathed, which of course was the truth. he smelled... better than last time. LOL. had some unexpected reactions. i hate you sooooo much, mark. but thanks for the mooncake anyway :p

then went to another friend's house. wow, her room was... super pretty. i mean the view from her window. travelling clouds. beautiful.

i'm so sick and tired of this game. ok, fine, it's not a game. but if it is, we'll lose it even faster than paris hilton and her brat dog. opportunities missed so many times they become chances. there is a difference.

i love dean koontz. his books are like the most fantastic piece of art ever. loop me in, odd one. i figure that'll be stuck in my brains forever. what i don't like about it is there always is a THIRD book, and our library has rather limited resources, agree?

it's back!! :D

2009-08-24T21:05:00.002+08:00

when i was walking home from celine's today, i happened to look at the sky.

and all i could think of saying is, " my clouds are back!!!"

CHEERS ;D

i need clues.

2009-08-24T11:03:00.004+08:00

it's been such a long time since i went to the pasar so i went just now to buy 10 eggs.
actually my mom told me to. i'm not THAT random yet ok?

so... i can't tell you what i did or where i was yesterday from 1.30pm to 10.00pm for fear of creating commotion. but i really had fun :D

and guess what makes a treasure hunt so fun?
because it has clues that lead to another clue and eventually to the treasure.

so, natural phenomenon or not, I NEED CLUES.

but then again, it's not just a GAME for two :/

wrong.

2009-08-19T16:47:00.003+08:00

today was a shit-up day. almost almost very almost cried. thanks and sorry mei wen.

so... i smiled. at least i did something. what did you do? and it wasn't even my fault. pfft.
almost cried yesterday too. but not because of that. well maybe because of that too.

you. it's always you right?
thinking back. it was neither our fault. just like light rays. didn't expect it to be virtual and magnified. at least it was upright. but the chances for the reflected rays to meet and form an image is infinite. cos you stepped on my focal point. in other words, you blinded me.

maybe you don't understand. but it's ok, i don't intend you to. i might just as well write this whole thing in mandarin.

do you wanna know what hurt me the most? i thought you cared. maybe it's a little thing. well, yes. i admit it is. normally i wouldn't even have cared.

this time it's too much. you said this yourself," if that person is really hurting you too much, leave that person, don't turn back."

can't believe i'm using it against you now. you are really hurting me a lot. i didn't ask to get what i got. the least you can do is try to understand or be happy for me. every time you say that thing, maybe as a joke or maybe not, it hurts me. i didn't ask to be like this, ok? you know i'm not like that yet you make me sound as if i'm a snobbish-spoiled-stuck-up-miss-know-it-all. do you know how much that hurts? you sounded as if you hated me.

if you really hate me because i'm in jati.... i don't know what to say. it's your choice. if you wanna think this whole thing is my fault, go ahead. cos this time i'm not gonna apologise. heck, i'm not even gonna wait for you to apologise.

i give up my right to choose. the choice is in your hands now.

ps: thanks hui ying. talking to you was the best choice i made that day.

things you never know and won't freaking care.

2009-08-19T14:58:00.005+08:00

so sick of being the one who apologises every single freaking time.
so sick of being the one who finds out about things she doesn't want to know.
so sick of being the one who waits all the time.
so sick of being the one who cheers everyone up.
so sick of being the one who understands.
so sick of being the one who thinks reasonably.
so sick of being the one who never gets angry.
so sick of being the one everyone comes to but has no one to go to.
so sick of being the one everyone jokes about because "she can take a joke".
so sick of being the one with feelings no one cares about.
so sick of being the one in jati.

i know i shouldn't, but i am now.
honey, i have feelings too, you know.

i'm so sick of being the friend you never care about.

misfits

2009-08-17T21:39:00.004+08:00

or so you thought.

i said something about a chinese and indian thing.
i think i'm wrong about it.
i think it's the total opposite now.

just to let you know. thank you.

so it's you or no one now. NOT him or no one.

i know, i'm like some narcissist pig talking to an imaginary audience right now. but who cares. at least they clap for me.

if you want it. take it. or someone's gonna assume that you don't want it.

why does the feeling of marrying someone i don't love haunts me night after night?

and so the prince asked,"what can i do to prove my love for you?"...

2009-08-17T21:35:00.003+08:00

.... to which i answered,"get me a library. a very big one."

it's okay if you can't afford it. you can buy me books :)

no chick-lits. PLEASE.

meaningless

2009-08-11T20:02:00.007+08:00

you don't even wait for me anymore.

"just because i'm hurting, doesn't mean i'm hurt, doesn't mean i didn't get what i deserve, no better and no worse..."
Coldplay- Lost

just wished that this was something i could explain.

"I thought I was a fool for no one, but ooh, baby i'm a fool for you..."
Muse- Super massive Black Hole

and after that, everything will be just the way it should be.

"cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar, the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart, he's the song, in the car, i keep singing don't know why i do..."
Taylor Swift- Teardrops on my Guitar

we are just a pair of parallel lines that met for a fraction of a second.

"you came a long just like a song, and brighten my day, who would have believed that you were part of a dream..."
Barry Manilow- Can't Smile without You

a second is all that is needed to create history.

"Love is, whatever you make it to be, sunshine, instead of this cold lonely sea..."
Santana- The Game of Love

time, is what we need but do not have....

"come on come on, we were once upon a time in love..."
Counting Crows- Accidentally in Love

yesterday :D

2009-08-09T18:55:00.005+08:00

woah, yesterday was the most eventful day i had for weeks!

my day started at 6.45 am. then after everything i rushed to school to meet up with sun, pau, steff, dom, calvin, kylie, ming li, lu zhong and summer for a recess revo rally in ACTS church. i can't believe that the church is actually in summit hotel!!! it's so so so so so so BEAUTIFUL!! it's like i'm in dreamland or something. the rally was an awesome one. i really got a lot out of it. it's like a super WOW thing. haha. but am a bit annoyed by some ppl who keep saying "wow" although they don't sound awed at all. haizz... and for "recess" we had--- nasi lemak with SOTONG!! i love sotong... i ate all mine, pauline's, steffi's and sun's sotong. heehee :D *lick lips*

after the rally, i went to this thai food store with kylie, sun and pau. they actually play thai songs there!!! i don't know but i find it so amazing.... and i ate nasi pattaya!!! it was so nice, it's kinda unexpected though.. haha. now i'm obsessed with nasi pattaya. i have weird eating habits like everyone else :D i get obsess with some kind of food and everywhere i go i'll eat that until i grow sick of it :D

then i went home and took a shower and rushed to The Apartments for my 6L reunion!! woohoo!! it was so awesome possum!!! everyone look so hot and pretty!! a lot of ppl changed and it was totally fantabulous!! and some guy who used to be fat became so thin and muscled and pacs-ed.. but there was 0%communication between us.. he used to sit next to me!!!! haizz.. but The Apartments was really pretty. a very romantic, dreamy place... someone kept popping into my mind that time. i think it's high time i'd stop thinking about him already. pfft.

then after a lot of crap and photos :D me, jing hui, mei yan, ming ji, hooi zhong, chong sheng, gavin neo, khin khuin and xing yang went cineleisure to watch G.I. Joe!!! haha, it was so so so so cool!!! and i didn't cry :D i think it's because it was too action-packed and exciting, i have no time to be emotional.. LOL. next movie to look forward to: UP :D

then after that, the whole bunch of ppl "escorted" me to Ikano where i wait for my mom to fetch me home :)

and thus a happy wonderful awesome fantastic fabulous exciting eventful "normal" day had ended :)

honey, i'm home

2009-08-07T18:06:00.003+08:00

hello.

haha :D i know i've neglected this blog for such a long time no one even reads it anymore, but i think it's better that way.

for some emo reason i didn't update this blog for like a hundred years so i don't really remember when something happens so it's all jumble up.

the first thing is i started reading my harry potter 6 again. and to tell the truth, i find it quite.... childish. i mean like compared to the books i usually read la. suddenly it gives me the "high school musical" feeling, i don't know why. and the crappiest part was when snape killed dumbledore. it's so crappy!! it's like you'd expect dumbledore to at least defend himself, but but but he just died like that!!!! so potong!! stupid shit la!! and well, i started another book before i even finish it :p actually there's another reason to why i changed the book....

and i started learning German already. quite cool, although it does sound weird if you're gonna talk to your friends like that. but still it's cool. i know 5 languages already!! woohoo!!

and there's this person he's really starting to get on my nerves already. he's so annoying! i think i wrote it in my blog before, i get really really freaked out when ppl i don't know act as though they know me very well. and every time he sees me he gives me this "i know what you did last summer" look. NO! no you don't know what i did last summer. or the summer before that either. stop giving me that look! yes, we did have something to do with that thing but that doesn't make us the best of friends ok? i really hate it when you look at me with that face and go, "yan chee...." i seriously felt like slapping you!!!! Aaargh.

and i think it's over already. actually i'm just in this situation where i keep telling myself it's over but still there's a part of me inside hoping that it's not. haizz... it's seriously crap when you found out all the evidence and proof you got are worthless and trivial. i think it's really over no matter how hard i hope.

i saw this guy with a wonderful nose today, it's so pretty. haha. i saw a guy today. and we had 0% communication. which saddens me a little.

i had lunch at river fish with suz, sun and calvin. lol. and found out my love life really stinks.

the stupid woman is not working at river fish already. good for me.

i found out i couldn't like her no matter how hard i tried. she's just too annoying to the extend where all my patience and niceness just went SNAP!

so many ppl are stuck in a cage. coxx has 5. zhu shaun has 1. patrick has severe delusional disorder. i have reverse psychological disorder, according to patrick. and many ppl have depression and PMS. haizz...

it's a whole new world. looking forward to some sad movies so i can cry my intestines out.

i kinda made a new friend lately. it's quite cool. we sit so near to each other in class and we never talked more than 5 sentences for a whole half year. but we kinda started talking la, and it's cool. he actually laughs at the crazy stuff i said in class. haha. making new friends always gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside :)

i finally found my chuckly self back :D when i'm stress i'd laugh loudly in a very unlady-like manner. but during normal times.... i just chuckle. hee :D

i think that's all i can say now. this world is full of ppl with masks. they may not necessarily be evil or back-stabbers. sometimes ppl hide themselves because they are afraid of being hurt. if you have friends like this around you, care more about them, show them you care :D

bye, i'm off. love you ppl. love my new cg although i'd prefer rigel more. jen wei's my advisor :D dom's my assistant :D so cool right?

what emo-ness can do to a healthy kid

2009-07-29T16:54:00.004+08:00

i'm so bored!!! tag everyone i know.

001. Full name?: Chong Yan Chee
002. Nickname?: yanyan, cheechee, and one more i'm never ever gonna tell
003. Single or taken?: single
004. Zodiac sign?: libra
005. Male or female?: female
006. Elementary?: first step montessori, then chim kindergarten
007. Middle?: as in primary? SJK(c) Puay Chai
008. High?: SMK Damansara Utama
009. Eye color?: black
010. Hair color?: golden brown
011. Long or short hair?: middle
012. Shoe size?: 5
013. Asthma?: used to have it. but thank God, it's over.
014. Health freak?: not freak, just conscious.
015. Height?: 159-160, i think
016. Do u crush on someone?: hmmm.... yeah...
018. Have piercings?: yeah
019. Tattoos?: no
020. Righty or lefty?: righty :D
021. Sexual orientation?: i like guys. ONLY.
022. School clique?: hmmm.... used to in primary school.

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing?: hurt like shit. in standard 5.
024. First best friend?: this girl in my kindergarten whose name is long forgotten.
025. First movie?: the road to El Dorado
026. First sport you joined?: swimming, i think...
027. First pet?: tortoises :D
028. First concert?: yamaha concert. i was suppose to be at the grand piano!!
029. First crush?: some guy
030. First kiss?: when i was 3 years old to an unknown guy who lives in penang now.
031. First love?: a jerk
032. First broken heart?: form 1 to the same jerk as above
033. First stitches?: i fell down in my house. i still have the scar :)
034. First broken bone?: none....
035. First grade teacher?: ling chun hua
036. First car?: one of those remote control ones
037. First cell phone?: form 2, nokia

Right Now:
038. Im eating?: nothing
039. Im drinking?: nothing
040. Im listening to?: chasing cars--snow patrol
041. Im workin on?: an explanation
042. Im waiting on?: a someone and a question
043. Im wearing?: t-shirt and shorts
044. Im worried about?: more misunderstandings
045. Im loving?: you
046. Im missing?: DUCF camp and a ton of other things
047. Im anticipating?: a meeting

First thing that comes to mind:
048. Kids: have better life than us
049. Marriage?: is wonderful
050. Career?: psychologist
051. Pickle?: McD's fish fillet burger
052. Penny?: a girl's name?
053. Stop?: now?
054. Donut?: erm.... half.
055. QuizPox.com?: a website to learn more about chicken pox?
056. Myspace.com?: freaky? never had one though
057. Debt?: money?
058. College?: stress
059. Cupid?: is playing a sick and twisted game with me
060. 777?: 007's partner?

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE DESIRED SEX?:
061. Lips or eyes?: eyes
062. Hugs or kisses?: hugs
063. Shorter or taller?: taller
064. Romantic or spontaneous?: haha, both.
065. Stomach or arms?: arms
066. Sensitive or loud?: rather sensitive
067. Hook-up or relationship?: relationships, duh
068. Older or younger?: rather older
069. Richer or Poorer?: rather richer, lol. but it depends of course.
070. Smart or witty?: both :D
071. Shy or outgoing?: if i can have a both..
072. High maintenance or plain?: ooohh, high quality :D
073. Glasses or contacts?: erm, doesn't make a difference
074. Taurus or Gemini?: err... doesn't matter
075. Lots of friends or no friends?: rather lots of friends. if he has no friends he might be...

HAVE YOU EVER:
076. Kissed a stranger?: when i was 3 years old
077. Lost your glasses or contacts?: drop my glasses in the toilet once :p
078. Lost your cell phone?: almost
079. Broken any bones?: no... i thought i answered this one already?
080. Broken someones heart?: i think so...
081. Been arrested?: never
082. Seen a hooker?: seen as what seen? i saw a lot in kuantan.
083. Been to a funeral?: yes
084. Been to Las Vegas?: no
085. Bought off Ebay?: no
086. Cheated?: in exams? yeah...
087. Picked your nose and ate it?: when i was a kid, eeewww.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
088. God?: of course
089. Yourself?: yeap
090. Miracles?: yeah :D
091. Love at first sight?: not really.
092. Heaven?: uh huh
093. Santa?: kinda
094. Fairies?: sometimes
095. Kissing on the first date?: NO!
096. Angels?: yeap

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there some1 u want 2 b wif right now?: haizz... yeah.
098. Is Superman really better than Batman?: i think batman is hotter
099. Have you dated more than 1 person at the same time?: NO!
100. Post as 100 Truths and tag 10 people

finally done :D this is the least i could do to distract myself.

maybe you shouldn't...

2009-07-29T16:07:00.004+08:00

read my blog too often. it's freaking me out.

i watched mulan 2 just now.... and yeah, i cried. haizz... can't blame me man, i cry at every movie i watch.

i watched brother bear, cried. watched this dog movie, cried. watched beauty and the beast, cried. i don't remember being so emotional when i was young...

maybe you won't believe it but i can tell you that i watched every single disney cartoon before i was even 6. HAHA. and i don't remember crying at anyone of them. haizz... such is life's little mysteries :D

you are a mystery too. i could never figure you out.

maybe i ought to learn from kids. :/

ps: let's go jogging.

i'm sorry

2009-07-29T14:35:00.003+08:00

this is the kind of situation where one person is sad, then another person is sad, then slowly the whole world is sad.

i'm sorry. to both of you.

to you first. i don't know what else to say... you were just there at the wrong time. there was that look on your face when you said goodbye. ok, maybe i was just thinking too much. do you know how i felt when i saw you walking off? do you know how i felt when i saw that look on your face? i keep thinking that this will be the last time we will ever talk to each other. i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. please don't do this to me. it's not like what you think, i can explain. if you weren't expecting anything, why ask at all?

then to you. i'm sorry i couldn't do anything today. i could only listen. i know how you feel , of course i know. it's not your fault, it's not her fault, it's not anyone's fault at all. stop blaming everything on yourself. at times like this, the only thing you can do is be strong. it'll hurt like shit, but if you can't even stay strong in this situation, how can anyone trust their life to you in the future? you know what i mean. so, yeah, i'll help wherever i can. but i won't be able to do much.

there are some pains in this world only a girl can understand. time is something all of us need now but don't have. :'(

WOMAN!!!

2009-07-28T14:51:00.004+08:00

oh my goodness i just didn't freaking realise.

woman, you know who you are, i don't know if you still read my blog or what, but there is a HUGE misunderstanding going on here!!!!

that post was never meant for you!!!!

the "thank you freaking much" one. i know it may consist of some similarities, but NO!!!!! it's not for you seriously!!!

no wonder you weren't talking to me la! this is seriously shit i tell you.

actually i don't even know if it's because of that post or what, but i just wanna tell you that you are still important to me no matter what. :D so start talking to me. now. oh wait... my phone boh credit again, haha.

I LOVE YOU!!

1,2,3...

2009-07-27T15:44:00.004+08:00

KABOOM.

thanks bears.

I HATE YOU FACEBOOK.

I HATE YOU HOTMAIL.

freakingshittypantscrapfishrocketbananawatermelon, i can't even check my mail.

when are you coming back? when are you coming back? when are you coming back?

what's wrong with the weather nowadays? if you wanna rain just freaking rain.
what is wrong with my head nowadays? if you wanna get fever just freaking get it. after july test i mean.

i think this is a sign......

a sign that it's high time i get some baskin robbins down my throat. :/

and dear, it's swine flu, not swan flu.

and dog flu really does exist. so protect your dogs.

i don't wanna go tuition. i don't wanna go tuition. i don't wanna go tuition.

the Middle Age cure for boredom: splash a PMS-ing person with chilled drinks of your choice, and wait....

aaargh. i'm gonna burst. i promise you i'm really gonna. i neeeeed someeeee heeeeelp.

i'm so sick and tired

2009-07-27T14:31:00.005+08:00

this month is the official everyone-PMS-and-fall-sick month. yippee.

guess what, i finally can't take it any longer. what a freaking surprise. i don't even know why am i trying so hard for when you don't even care. if i'm what to you as what you were to me, do something.

oh, i made a new friend too. name's "dot", which obviously is not the real name, but i figure if it don't even dare to tell me it's real name, it should be quite harmless. maybe it's just a bit shy. but i have a feeling it's you... well, let's not make assumptions, shall we?

and as i continue my boring narrative of my mundane day, i never know red bean soup can be so comforting. thanks mom.

so today i was sick, tired, and pissed off by my so called "once-in-a-lifetime". well, guess what, there are like a dozen of not-so-nice words i can use on you now, but i'm not going to cause i don't even know how to pronounce them.

i'm so sick and tired already. please stop doing this. why can't you just freaking take the initiative to talk to me if you think i'm so important to you.

listened to john meyer's something inside. please come back as soon as possible.

God, i put this ridiculous thing into your hands. please help me, Lord.

life is like a flower

2009-07-24T17:40:00.004+08:00

i know i was being super sensitive and emo the other day. lol. but i just wanna tell you, yesterday and today was mind-bombingly WONDERFUL.

yes, you may say it's a matter of perspective. i can't say i don't agree, but i can't say i agree either. haha.

you know, it's like God's trying to tell me that bad things DO happen in life. what matters is how you look at it and what you do to it.

guess what God told me yesterday?

He said life is like a flower. every single day, it will unfold, and when the day ends, it'll wilt.

the day might be sunny and breezy, like a sunflower. or it might stink, like a rafflesia. but it's still a flower right? so all we can do is to water it and nurture it and love it.

there. i love yesterday and today. :D

thanks seriously.

2009-07-22T18:43:00.003+08:00

thanks baboon.
i know i'm so freakishly emo today.
PMS? that has never cross my mind before. LOL.
i'm sorry. i knew you were busy, but i just had to sms you. cos i felt like i needed you suddenly.

i know you must be grumbling now about how annoying girls can be when they have PMS, and how broke you're gonna be smsing me, and how much time you've wasted telling me it's all gonna be okay and the sky won't fall and stuff like that. haha. i know you too well la.

i miss you cuzzie, the brother i never had.

on the other hand.... to YOU (not cuzzie) : you are seriously like so freaking HOT.

i made a wishlist today :) it's with wan. haha :D mine was like the longest or something.

i didn't see the solar eclipse today. a chance in 300 years. *poof* gone.

i didn't see zhu shen score either. cos i was busy looking at the st. johns and looking out for him. zhu shen scoring... it might be once in a life time, and i missed it.

if you think you know all about me, you are so wrong. and even if you DO know me well, you are still wrong.

thank you. bye. i'm off to get some life. when i'm happy i'll be back. if i'm not happy i'll crap. :/

thank you so freaking much.

2009-07-22T18:31:00.004+08:00

i don't know what you meant...
but i was happy.

until i realised it could be meant for another person.

thank you so much.

no, it's not your fault. maybe it's just like that. maybe it's just gonna be a whole bunch of missed opportunities until someday when we change from parallel to intersecting lines.

and i just can't wait for that day to come.

this time, it's you, not me. get a life, man.

this is shit

2009-07-22T17:42:00.004+08:00

the only word i can use to describe today is: shit.

i don't know but i feel like i screwed up the whole day. or maybe the day screwed me up.

i stayed back for form 1 recess. and honestly i have to say, i need to say, it's very disappointing.

so, after the form 1 recess, i felt so tired and annoyed and disappointed i walked home. while walking home... i kept thinking about it. who am i to be disappointed? what rights do i have to be disappointed? they are not doing this for me, so why should i be disappointed?

and thinking back... i think it's me. to tell the truth.. i didn't pray for today. not that i can't, you see, it's i totally forgotten about it. that's the saddening part. and today, i couldn't find what i want to find, and it was seriously shitty.

God, i'm really sorry. i think the person who really disappointed you today..... is me.

alien invasion #3: project bag-stitching

2009-07-22T17:39:00.004+08:00

cats are everywhere.
time to stitch up the bag.

ps: i'm sorry i have to do this. even to you. since you don't respect it, this is all i can do. no apologies.

2009-07-21T15:16:00.002+08:00

i think i'm gonna be late if i'm still blogging. therefore, bye. i'm off. oh yeah, thanks henry for the umbrella. :)

alien invasion #2

2009-07-19T23:16:00.003+08:00

positive results were obtained. but not definite.
hypothesis is not accepted. yet.

research shall go on.

ps: i'm so tired. can't you just tell me the results and spare me from this?

alien invasion

2009-07-18T16:37:00.004+08:00

ALIEN INVASION

we have:

cancer-causing doughnuts
an over-rated movie
a band
a camp
a pool
a badge
red shirts
a game

we need:
a song
a question
time

there's not much time left.

DUCF step up step down 2009 :D

2009-07-17T16:51:00.005+08:00

WAHAHAHA!!! it's finally official!! :)

so so so so so awesomely wonderful!! although i didn't get to keep the sash but still... i'm jubilant!!

ta-ha!

don't know what to say now la... still a bit dazed from step up step down and something. oh yeah, kinda freak out when i went up the chairs. it wobbled ok? thanks a million, chair, for embarrassing me in front of everyone :/

something about german.... oh yeah, david came to me early in the morning (a rare phenomenon) and started babbling to me in german. -__-"

HE passed by me a few times. added me somewhere. aaaah!!! i'm so happy!! :D

kah hoe said my writing was ugly.... i spent so much time writing it until i have no time to sew the sash (sorry suz and pau), and this is what he says. grrr....

hehe, don't know what else to say. so dead. haizz... whatever la. bye. i'm off. to get some life. love you ppl. bye bear. i miss you. i'll visit you in the zoo. tell me all about it. if you're reading leave something at the cbox. bye. loads of love.

doesn't mean a thing

2009-07-17T16:49:00.005+08:00

looking?
staring?
smiling?
greeting?
looking back?
sitting in front?

it doesn't mean a thing. no, it doesn't.

just freaking blurt it out would you?

my God is sooooo wonderful :)

2009-07-14T14:27:00.004+08:00

i know everyone agrees with me on that. :) you just know your life is changing when the first thing and the last thing you do every day is talk to God. haizz... life is wonderful when you know God. :)

i'm so happy today in school. something to do with that person? maybe. maybe not. but seriously, that person plays a big part in my life today. haha. my source of happiness--hashbullah :D and him.

currently having crazy cravings for frozen fruit. tastes like fruit but feels like ice. mmmm... just had frozen honeydew and watermelon. yesterday was mango. i love watermelon. :D

step up step down for CF is this friday!!! everyone please come and support us ok? come and have fun and cheer in CF!!!

oh, and tomorrow we'll be having recess revo in our dear sweet canteen!!! everyone who is a christian please bring your bible to school tomorrow!!!! :D

although i don't really know what to do for recess revo tomorrow but i'm sure God will guide me and lead me :) haha.

facebook games are really addictive, i have to admit. seeing that i spent all my time playing games on facebook yesterday instead of doing research.... i have to admit it annoys the shit out of me as well. :/

when life gives you lemons...... feed it to pigs.

cheers :D

:| keeping a poker face

2009-07-13T15:37:00.004+08:00

i can't think of anything else to do other than giggling in a very unlady-like manner in front of the com. :/

i'll tell you the reason why soon. when i finish giggling.

so since it's not official yet.... it won't be here until it's official.

cheerios :D

it's not you, it's me :(

2009-07-10T21:23:00.003+08:00

i'm sorry.

this time, i know. it's not you, it's me.

ever since i read what you wrote, it's not the same already. i mean yeah, of course we have fought before, but this was different. it was a hell lot different.

you chose the silence. and the shit that i was, i didn't realise it. i didn't realise it has already started until it was too late. yes, i know i could have stop all this from happening, that's why i say, it's not you, it's me.

i couldn't believe my eyes. and if our ears could capture the delicate sounds of a breaking heart, mine would shatter your eardrums. what am i to you actually? you mean like after everything we have gone through, it doesn't mean a thing anymore? just because of... that? i know, what i've done is really hurting. but still, after all these years..... it shouldn't happen that way you know?

and now, every time i see you, i don't know what to say anymore. only a few ppl managed to make me speechless. congratulations, you are one of them now. unfortunately.

no, this post is not about blaming you, it's about blaming myself for losing you and not knowing it.

so every time i see you, i really wanna talk to you. but there's something there blocking me, i look at you and i feel very disappointed. something has cracked and both you and me knows that. every time i take up the phone i really really want to sms you like last time. but i can't. i just can't stop thinking about what you wrote...

remember i said i'd do anything i can to make your life better? give me the chance now please. it's my fault. i know it. i'm sorry. :(

V for Vendetta :)

2009-07-07T20:26:00.003+08:00

hahaha, so in love with that movie la :) *dreaming*

it's been such a long time since i wrote anything here... haizz...

i missed my cuzzie at a family gathering on sunday, can you believe it? when she arrived, i was already half-way home. so sad. wanted to see her bf. lol. so long didn't talk to you la, su... haizz... miss you loads. didn't even see you during CNY.

my uncle pindah to a nice house already... very pretty house.. haha.

i just started, and now my stupid sis is bugging me to go away... haizz, we will meet again, for sure. ;)

to you: come to school tomorrow please. long time didn't see you. 3 days already.

wonderful day :)

2009-07-03T17:06:00.003+08:00

today is so awesomely, gloriously, absolutely FANTABULOUS!!! :D

haha, thanks, thanks, thanks and thanks again. for making my day. you know what? you are always doing that. making my day i mean. i don't think i can survive without you.... so tell me what am i going to do next year. :/

to another you: do you still read my blog? you must ok. without you CNY will be like shit. seriously. must come back every CNY k? don't leave me to rot alone at popo's house. tell me what's it like in singapore. miss you loads. and don't forget my nokia phone.

so today was pretty awesome... i smiled. a lot. at people i don't usually smile at. something surprising happened today.. lol. something scandalous, so am not going to write it here.

haha, then got myself really busy in koperasi with ai vee, megan and suzanne sorting out buku adabs. then walking all over school to distribute them.. haha, just found out that some teachers are REALLY annoying, right suz? skipped my whole after recess :D

then there's the wonderfully awesome cf to look forward to. i sang back up today for worship.. haha, kinda weird. pauline lead, and steffi sang back up with me too. :) then there's this game The Mission, it was fun, meaningful, but i kinda like blur all the way through. don't really know what am i doing actually. haha. but my group got 4th :) i love CF!! for all the wrong reasons...

then tomorrow there's this prayer rally at CBC in SS2. candice and jamie are going too!! yeah, i'm missing both of you already! and please don't give me a hard time tomorrow k? you know what i mean. :D

am so happy i feel like sleeping right now. but i have to cook. haizz...

bye, super chef YC is off to make her world-famous dish-- fried mee hoon :)

* i touched his table!!*

cheers xD

late :/

2009-07-01T19:29:00.001+08:00

*ohmygoodness i just found this draft and it's dated 15 june. lol. now i'm wondering why i didn't post it. -_-" it's a bit weird so just bear with it.*

my com is so slow today!! it's annoying!! :(

but still, today was kinda a happy day larh, for me.. despite the fact that i've got some really rotten results in my bag now. and that's where it's gonna stay till my mom finds out. and when that time comes.....

ok, enough.

LOL, today i just can't stop thinking about camp at school, well, who can? then me and ee choong just kept talking about it during moral class. stupid moral!! i just don't understand why someone so bermoral like me can get such rotten results for exam. it just makes me wanna tear the paper apart. stupid useless subject. oh, pn loh asked us about the hannah montana movie today.... kinda hilarious la, she might be a fan of her.. lol.

hmmm, back to topic, both me and ee choong agree that devo was a tiny little bit too short, and they (ban joo, EC, suzi and aaron) kept laughing at me cos my candle burst into flame during quiet time. that was just shit la, everyone was like so quiet and emo and stuff, and my stupid candle chose that time to burnt itself. i didn't blow it cos i think blowing produce more oxygen and in the end i just threw it on thefloor, and thus ending the candle's brief life. lol, the mood was kinda spoilt.. pfft.

and after hearing suzi's story, i had a new picture stuck in my brain. other than leg hair. spongebob squarepants undies, anyone? HAHA. you know who you are :)

haizz, i miss the place la... i woke up feeling so bersemangat today just to fall asleep in class during bio. I. HAVE. TO. STOP. FALLING. ASLEEP. IN. CLASS.

do you know how hard it is for me to stay awake when everyone around me are asleep?

i'm back :D

2009-07-01T19:15:00.003+08:00

haha, dinner was Delicious with a capital D. :) thanks mum!

i just remembered! suz lent me two books!!!! HOORAY!!! :D so happy, they are Hannibal Rising and Vanished.

reading Vanished now, and i'm hooked at the first page. i love books!!!

haha, nothing to say already, lol. come to school tomorrow. bye. :D

chocolate chip cookies :)

2009-07-01T18:29:00.004+08:00

* this was suppose to be posted yesterday, but due to some complications, it wasn't. so let us all just pretend that TODAY is YESTERDAY :)*

30th of June. the last day of the month. the last day of the first half of year 2009. and what did i do to celebrate it? well, i didn't really celebrate it... kinda like other people celebrate it for me, haha, thanks. :D

1st, haha, something personal. lol. to that person, thanks for making my day :) even if you didn't realise it....

2nd, library week, library and steph's super-duper awesome brownies that cost RM2 for a very small peice but it's ok, i don't mind :) haha. i love it!!!

3rd, a weird guy bought an ice-cream for me in celine. and i don't even know what's his name. haha, very lazy to explain, ask me if you wanna know. :)

4th, this isn't really a good one... kinda half-half. i finish my second book. the weight of numbers by simon ings. and it sucked. stupid nutcase, wasted my 5 bucks on some book which synopsis is even more interesting than the actual story. pfft.

well, haha, seriously very happy now.. because of the first. well, it definitely means something... :)

***back to reality***

1st of July. the first day of the month. the first day of the second half of year 2009. and what did i do today? nothing. seriously. in school it was like a dream. everything seem so surreal to me. lol. but something awkward happened during pjk... don't wanna talk about it, don't even wanna think about it. :/

haizz... oh, today i had a lot of fun in suz's house with chui inn and pauline. chui inn is tremendously afraid of gracie, i don't know why. every time gracie comes near to her she sounds like she's being murdered. lol. watch WALLl.E today also :) and needless to say, i cried. it's super sad ok, at the ending there...

nothing much to say now larh, will see if i have anything to say later. bye :) off for dinner. yummy-wummy.

2009-06-29T14:42:00.004+08:00

something i remembered from an annoying chick-flit i read once.

"... ok, fine, just get on the plane and leave me.

in a few years time i'll end up marrying your best friend

and you'll end up being our best man at the wedding.

i'm fine with it, i really am..."

talk about a typical think-too-much.

talk about a typical me. :/

i would give you a starfish if i had one.

starfish?

2009-06-29T14:25:00.004+08:00

hmmm... something stupid happened on msn last friday. thanks to mr. dumbass. i'm never ever gonna talk to you on msn again. ever. :p

ok, it's not as bad as you think it is... stupid guy. well, one of my friends needed to do "something", so i gave him some "advice" and a lot of "support". but don't know what the heck happened we ended up arguing over msn. then he just stop talking to me. and he changed his pm to "wth...." to make a long story short, we kinda continued arguing on our pm. -__-"

stupid shit, most girls like teddy bears over dolls ok, dolls are just shit right creepy and scary. there's just this something on their face that spells "EVIL". so there.

oh, and thanks to tze and steph for... that thing. it's alright now. thanks for just being there.

good news, i bought TWO books for 10 bucks last saturday. I AM SO AWESOMELY HAPPY!!!! thanks GOD!!! :D wahahaha!! and just to freak you out, i finished one already!!! *laughs insanely*

to those who are being interviewed right now as i'm typing, good luck :)

lalala, it's FRIDAY!!!

2009-06-26T20:10:00.003+08:00

i'm so happy today and i'm sure no one knows why. :D no, it's not about that guy....

hahaha, i'm so happy i feel like doing something happy :)

oh yeah, do you realise it's been a long time since i've made any cards? well, my bookshop with all the nice colour paper pindah to a far away place already larh..... so, i'm just lazy. -_-"

but the only cards you will be recieving from me this year are Christmas cards. seriously, i'm designing them now!! :D haha, i'm sooooo sooooo very very happy today.

well, what did i do today? he came :) i did "the plan" with steph, suz, steffi and pauline at the river fish :) i went to tropicana city mall after lunch with them, minus steph, then i found a lot of yellow things, painted my thumb nail yellow, saw yellow crocs at crocs shop, saw a lot of nice dresses in nice shops.... ate chocolate ice-cream, went borders and stare at books while salivating mentally, there were so many sidney shelldon!!!!! but the only sad thing was i didn't buy any books... :(

haizz.. who cares, i'm still happy :D

I LOVE YOU!!!! :D

more pics :)

2009-06-25T21:09:00.004+08:00

ok, i'm ok, like finally. :) these are some camp pics i forgot to post. dang, my com is as messy as my study table... which is VERY messy believe me. :/

group performance!! :)

haha. can't find words to describe this larh. xD

janeeeee!!! steph!! ME!!!! and pauline!!! :D

finally couldn't stand my stupid fringe. sakai hair. and why am i the only one looking at the cam? :/

i think that's all.... LOL. :) great day :)